Archive for the ‘Posts I will regret when I am sober’ Category

Drulerious

Definition:  When you are suuuuper tired but then you decide to have a beer, and then another, AND THEN another and you start doing stupid things like having another beer and then going outside and then night air hits you and you’re all like “I need to go pee” and then you think, “Oooooh, I should blog about this” and you do, but you’re drulirious and it’s soooo cold in your house (who is in charge of the thermostat, shit!) so you are shaking AND druliriuos, so you have to backspace after every.single.word. no kidding! and you still think “Someone will want to read this” so you hit publish without even then slightest desire to hit spellcheck.

Late Night Randomness

I just randomly remembered that my senior year, in AP English, my friends and I did the most off the wall group project.  Blame the fact that I was a little whacked out that year (note: do not let 16 year old child live on her very very own) or the fact that I had just read Watership Down but our project was about tripping rabbits.  Hear me out people.  The assignment was to write a sonnet (long ass poem) or story about a group’s trip (yeah, so we did get a little literal, it’s English, right?) through several novels and their respective time periods.  What better explanation for the random leap from so many different stories and eras than a bunch of rabbits on acid, right?  We worked diligently on a sonnet (ten pages, single spaced, and all that shit rhymed) and completed the assignment having met and exceeded all of the criteria.  We were the only group in the entire graduating class that chose to write a sonnet.  We had the most memorable project that year.  We all made a D.  This fact totally exited my memory until, the other night, when I saw something while a show on acid.  I immediately called my BF to remind her.  We laughed our asses off and then sat and talked about the fact that we had totally forgotten about the whole damn thing!  I have a feeling that out teacher didn’t.  Bitch gave us a D because we were druggies.  Geniuses, but still druggies.

I love my new tennis arms.  My tennis gals and I were having some after-tennis refreshments (read: Corona) the other 900 degree night and as per usual were doing the whole chick talk thing (which is inevitable b/c we’re chicks and we talk about chick stuff).  All of us gals were going on andon about certain things that we dislike about ourselves physically.  I made the very Oprah-like suggestion that we go around and talk about the things that we like the best (physically b/c seriously? all of my girlfriends have the personality of awesomeness so there was no need to state the obvious, which is, in case you didn’t know, we’re so very rad.  In every way.) about the current company.  My arms stole the show from the rest of my features (which? randomly enough my eyebrows are usually the show stopper).  I have neither liked nor disliked my arms particularlybut after tonight I did stand in the mirror and feign a racket swing.  I must say that my personality being A#1, my arms are a close 2nd.

Kegorators rock my world.  My mom recently got married to a younger guy.  His kids are the same age as mine which now is a blessing but at first seemed a little odd.  Since getting married he has moved in and built a kegorator.  I never new how much I loved draft beer until it was in my own mother’s home.  Pair that with the fact that she has the perfect backyard, equipped with pool, and you have just imagined what is and will be my perfect summer getaway.  Yay mom, you hubby rocks (but, um, why couldn’t you have done this a little sooner?  Like, say, when I was in high school?).

And thus completes my random post

Um, not so much.

I am becoming a stronger person, learning to live in the moment, and trying to focus on the present and all of the good things the present holds.  But, then sometimes my ego gets the best of me and I have to complain, if now was one of those moments I would probably mention some of the things that have been bothering me lately, some of my pet peeves if you will…

They might sound something like this:

Dude, please don’t prove how fast your car can go from 0-60 in order to pull out in front of me, only to then drive so effin slow that I am late (again) to work.  It’s really unpleasant and I am getting lightheaded from all the deep breaths that I am required to take to ensure that I don’t cuss someone out at work.

Honey, I know that you are jealous that I am out with my girlfriends and you are stuck with your lame hubby and his friends, and I also know that you are ashamed of what you wore out of the house just as much as I am ashamed for you, but you can’t be mad at me for looking fab and you can’t be mad at your hubby and his friends for checking me out.  Go home, change, fix yourself up…and then, if you still want to whisper (not-so-quietly) about someone, try bitching at your hubby, it’s not my fault I’m fab!  Um, I can teach you, but I’ll have to charge.

Dear lady that parked in the handicapped parking space b/c she is heavy and for some reason thinks that makes her handicapped,

We all saw that the trash can was right next to the handicapped parking spot that you parked in.  We also saw you pull out, stop, and then ball up about a gazillion sheets of paper and throw it on the ground.  I’m also glad that you saw me walk withing 2 inches of you, pick it up, and put it in the trash.  The force that I used to deflect you laser beam stares helped me burn an addition 5 calories.  Looks like I’ll be parking in the normal peoples spaces…thanks litterbug!

Lastly, on another traffic note, signs that say “Keep Moving” are typically there for a reason.  For those that may be unclear, Keep moving means that you should stay in a continuous state of moving.  I know it’s a little hard to wrap you brain around, and hell, you can even slow a bit just to make yourself feel better, but in Jesus’ Holy name!  PLEASE KEEP MOVING!!!!!