Things to do before I die

1. Gerard Butler- actually I may move this to the end of my list because, seriously?  I’d probably die afterwards of shock and utter fascination.

2. Learn to surf- this has replaced “learn to dive” because I’m radical and learned how to do that about 2 weeks ago because I got tired of my 5 year old showing me up.  I can body surf semi-well so I am hoping surfing-surfing is only, like, 3 times harder.

3. Perfect my own at-home Chai Latte- I have found heaven in a cup but a Venti Soy Iced Chai Latte a day runs me about seventy bajillion dollars and is a habit that is harder to break than crack.  My kids will probably not have a college fund and I will lose my house if I don’t do something quickly.

4. Buy the teenyest tiniest house on the beach (or near) and make it all cottage-y and blue and white and seashell-y inside and then always have sand on everything and not even care.  Not even a little bit.

5. Train a dog from puppy-hood (because it’s waaaaay to late for my beast of a dog) to be all super kick-ass trained where I can put their food down and then make them stay and stay and stay and then say “OK” and then they’ll eat.  If they save little kids lives like Lassie and bring me beer that would be an added bonus.

6. Own some sort of obnoxious little shop that sells the most random stuff that probably only appeals to about 28% of the population and then be all lax about everything, like, oh, gee, maybe we’re open today, it depends on how I feel.  And then have a cat that lives in the shop so then that shaves off another 6% of people because maybe peeps are allergic to cats or they don’t want cat hair on their completely random brand new stuff.  Hmmm, unless it’s a pet related store that only sells stuff for cats!  BRILLIANT!  Then it would just be stupid and lame for people to complain about having cat allergies or having cat hair on their stuff because I’d be all like “You DO know that this shop only sells stuff forcats so unless your cat is allergic to cats, in which case you have a stupid cat, yeah, I called your cat stupid, whatcha gonna do about it, oh, your wanna talk to a manager, well guess what?  You’re looking at her.  fine.  leave”.  Ok, so I need to work a little more on the business model, and I’ll probably have to have a katrillion dollars in savings because I’ll be lucky to break even but whatever.

7. Live to be really old so I can wear visors and pastels all.the.time. and drive really slow and be in a bunch of clubs for only old people and maybe even live in a neighborhood for only old people and then it can be like high school all over again, like, “yeah, I’m a senior, how old are you?  72?  Pshaw.  Wait until you get to be my age.  You don’t even know the half of it.” and then make them feel really uncool because they are only 72, which is actually pretty old but I’ll be older and thus radder.

I need to still think about more stuff.


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